This fabulous woman, Marry Harris, interviewed me yesterday on New York City’s Leonard Lopate Show. WNYC is a New York public radio station.
Here is a photo of Marry Harris and her son taking up a 3-minute challenge by WNYC: First have a conversation where every response starts with “No.” Then, have another conversation and start every response with “Yes, but.” Finally, have a “Yes, and” conversation.
Here it is, dear friends: Melanie Rice interviews Gerda on Cape Talk Radio.
Thanks so much to those of you who were able to listen “live” and who sent me such lovely comments.
The Today Show piece was supposed to air tomorrow, but it came on unexpectedly this morning. Here it is:
Former professor on talking about her dementia: ‘It has made my life richer’
Peter and I happened to have the TV on and watched it. We thought they did a great job in condensing 2 days’ filming to just over 4 minutes. Of course I wish that they had shown as much of Kanye and Aliya as they did of kissy little Dante!
This is what the Blacksite web page invites its audience to do: “Bring your bug-out-bag and join us – it’s a brave new Trump-world and we’re here to talk about our sensitive millennial feelings, interview politicos, and organize some liberal uprisings!! Mwahaha!”
Who would not want to talk with Dan Strong of Blacksite Podcast, Utah’s “source for politics, pop culture, and inane banter?”
I’m sorry that I only discovered Utah’s only liberal podcast–make that “only liberal broadcast of any stripe”–when they invited me to be interviewed. Now that I know a bit more about them, I hasten to add that they take great care to represent the various voices in our state by, for example, interviewing as many political candidates as were willing to appear on their show; in Utah, that means they’ve hosted many Republicans and other conservatives.
I am thrilled and honored that such a happenin’ show–run by a bunch of smart millennials–felt my book might have something to bring to their narly audience. (FYI, I googled “narly” on Urban Dictionary and it does not mean “cool” (though they and their audience are cool, by my Baby Boomer vocabulary)–instead, it means “insane and difficult.” For an explanation of Blacksite’s narly mission, check out their About page.
Some of Blacksite’s regulars: from left, (not sure of first guy’s name–Clark?), Yossof, Dan, Kim.
The best thing about going to the Blacksite recording studio in “a secret location on the international waters of the Great Salt Lake,” was that, after my interview was recorded, I got to meet some of the regular panelists on the show: Courtney James, Clark (can’t remember his last name) and two special guests, Kim Bowman (a liberal) and Yossof Sharifi (libertarian/conservative). To hear them in action, listen to A War with the Free Press, Light-Colored Shirts, and Other Threats to America, with guests Yossof Sharifi and Kim Bowman!
The minute Kim Bowman introduced himself, I recognized him as a former student. He reminded me that he took a writing class from me and told me it was 12 years ago, during his senior year, when he finalized his bachelor’s in gender studies and political science at the University of Utah. In the dozen years since, he has fit in huge chunks of life that would take most people decades to add to their resume.
Kim is the kind of adult citizen who thrills the heart of a former teacher: in addition to his bachelor’s, he holds a master of business administration from Westminster College, a juris doctor from University of the Pacific, and a master of arts in gerontology from the University of Southern California. Bowman is a U.S. Air Force Reserve captain and a member of the Air Force Judge Advocate General’s Corp (JAG). He is currently the manager of the Division of Health System Innovation and Research at the University of Utah School of Medicine. In the meantime he met and married the love of his life, Nadia, who is also an attorney; the couple met in law school.
I really enjoyed my interview with Dan. He had thoroughly read my book and came up with fabulous questions. I also loved his knowledge of literature: at some point in the interview, he made an analogy that involved Homer’s Odyssey. Anyone who sails Homer’s “wine-dark sea” often enough to be able to instantly draw examples from one of the West’s foundational texts, is my kind of discussant.
This is what Dan said on the website about his and my discussion of my book: “We think you’ll get a lot out of our new episode featuring Gerda Saunders, author of MEMORY’S LAST BREATH: FIELD NOTES ON MY DEMENTIA. Gerda talks about her dementia diagnosis, her experience with the American healthcare system, and how she is preparing to face the end of her life.”
To listen to the interview, go to Blacksite Podcast. You’ll see a list of interviews, find mine and follow the instructions. I am terrified of any technology involving an “app,” but even I managed it on my first try.
You can listen to the podcast here.
Last week Peter and I drove to Provo for my interview with Julie Rose, who runs the show Top of Mind on BYU Radio. Before reporting to the studio, we hung around outside the building watching the passing show. One thing I have to say about the students that we came across is that they were universally friendly and polite. Everyone greeted us with a friendly smile, sometimes even a greeting.
Peter said the campus reminded him of his trip back to his high school in South Africa, the Harry Potter-reminiscent Pretoria Boys High School (video), for his brother Cliff’s 50th anniversary: every boy you encounter on campus looks up from his conversation or hurried pace to greet every visitor with a hand gesture and “Morning, Sir.”
Above, left: Peter and Cliff at a Pretoria Boys High School reunion. Right, “Morning, Sir!”
Below, left: A piper starts the ceremony. Right: Boys serving tea to the guests.
In the lobby of the broadcasting building at BYU, Peter and I aligned ourselves according to BUY’s prescribed gender roles as suggested by an unnamed cheerleader and sports stars neither of us recognized. (Our bad)
Then on to the studio, and the amazing Julie Rose, a seasoned broadcast journalist and interviewer, who has produced spots and feature news stories for NPR’s Morning Edition and All Things Considered over the course of her career in both Utah and North Carolina. She’s a recipient of two National Edward R. Murrow Awards for Radio Writing and also the winner of multiple regional Edward R. Murrow Awards for continuing coverage, hard news reporting, writing, use of sound, features and other categories. Her show, Top of Mind, is billed as “smart, informative conversations and interviews that go beyond mere headlines and sound bites.” The shows I listened to ahead of time certainly deserved the description. In real life, Julie was an excellent interviewer, and I spent a happy hour responding to her thoughtful questions. What made our conversation even more special, was that Julie’s father lived with a brain injury for many years, and she could really relate to the effect such damage has on one’s daily life, even as the extent of the loss is not easily visible to people outside the household. You can listen to the podcast here.
Thanks so much, Julie Rose, for a fabulous conversation.
Thanks, also, to the show’s producer, Tennery Norton for your kindness and hospitality.
This page is a copy of the article in ShelfAwareness. To read it on their website, go to ShelfAwareness and scroll down to “The Writer’s Life.” Or else, read it below. (Main image credit)
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| photo: Peter Saunders | |
Gerda Saunders is former associate director of the Gender Studies Program at the University of Utah and the author of the short story collection Blessings on the Sheep Dog. Her memoir, Memory’s Last Breath: Field Notes on My Dementia (just published by Hachette, and reviewed below), expands upon a series of journal entries, or “field notes,” she wrote chronicling the progression of her dementia to talk about her life before and after her diagnosis. She alternates memories of her childhood in apartheid-era South Africa with looks at how dementia affects her daily life and candid discussions of her planned assisted suicide.
How difficult is it to write with dementia and what techniques do you use to circumvent those difficulties?
The part of my memory that is most affected is my working memory, or the ability to maintain and manipulate information “live” in a multistep process, such as remembering the street and the house number when someone gives me an address to write down. My nonfunctioning working memory decidedly slowed me down in places where I incorporated neurological and other research that required me to switch between screens. By the time I got to the research screen, I would have forgotten the question that I was trying to answer, and vice-versa. Accordingly, I wrote down, in longhand, the information I needed before switching screens. Once I had electronically copied the answer, I used the same process in reverse, jotting down keywords so that I would know what to do with the information once I got back to the draft screen.
Writing these parts of my book was very tedious and slow-going, and also used up a great deal of emotional energy. An oddity of my memory loss is that, as long as I stay inside my head, my thoughts still cohere on the page, even though writing anything at all takes me a very long time. According to my research, I am not the only person with dementia who has retained a set of ingrained skills. Musicians, chess players–even philosophers–retain abilities in their areas of excellence until long after they are no longer able to take care of themselves at all. I am grateful that, in my case, I have, in cognitive neuroscience researcher Michael Gazzaniga’s words, “time for introspection into [my dementia’s] troubling trajectory.”
Are you worried that if you don’t feel intelligent, you won’t feel like yourself?
From an early age, I got a lot of attention in my family and at school for having a good memory, being “clever” and getting high marks. Not surprisingly, my intellectual ability became one of the cornerstones of my selfhood. It was in my intellectual life, indeed, that it first became obvious to me that something was very wrong with my memory: I would forget what had just been discussed at meetings, and my memory malfunction affected my ability to teach and fulfill my administrative duties in a way that I could be proud of. These failures struck a deep blow to my self-esteem.
However, one of the things I learned studying Freudian and Lacanian subjectivity was that there really is no such thing as one’s “true self.” Our selves change all the time, which is evident to me when I think of my childhood-, teenage- and 20-something selves that are now, in my late adulthood, overlaid and blended into my current self. By the time my dementia was diagnosed, my intellectual self was no longer only or even the most important core of my self. Rather, the qualities of showing and accepting love, maintaining good relationships and living with integrity had become all-important cornerstones of my selfhood.
Nevertheless, the loss of my intellectual capacities is painful, particularly as I am daily reminded of my brain’s ongoing diminishment as I bumble through tasks that earlier seemed to require no brainpower at all. I make up for the erosion of my intellectual self through pursuing new ego-ideals: I strive to continue giving love in the ways I still can and–most importantly–to learn to accept help from others with grace and gratitude.
Do you think it’s important to be open about your decision to pursue assisted suicide?
My family and I have taken steps to procure an assisted suicide for me–and for Peter, my husband–when we can no longer contribute to or participate in our most precious relationships. But my decision is by no means prescriptive. I honor the different choices that others make.
In my own situation, I am extremely grateful that my husband and my beloved children and their spouses are willing to help me die when the time is right. That is, when my days no longer supply more joy than disaffection; when I am mean to or scare my children or grandchildren; when I state repeatedly that I no longer want to live; when I spend more hours per day in consuming care than I do being on my own; or when I no longer make a mark on the world.
When my neighbors or others make their different end-of-life choices known to me, I tell them that I am happy for them that they have chosen to die in a way that is meaningful to them. I don’t ask them to be happy for me or to accept my choice, but if they are or do, I am grateful.
Does it comfort you to know why, scientifically speaking, your brain is failing?
Knowing what is going on in myself and in the world has always been a source of comfort for me. Scientific knowledge enables me to let go of things that are not under my control. If I believed that dementia–or any other mental illness–was a character flaw, or that I could get my act together by just trying harder, or that pursuing unusual diets or other unsubstantiated cures could make me better, I would experience even more anxiety than I do now. (Anxiety is a particular result of microvascular disease, whereas depression is more common with Alzheimer’s.)
My reaction to my dementia diagnosis and my experience of the disease are in line with my general understanding of the cosmos. Scientific evidence convinces me that the universe is impartial and that both disaster and good fortune can randomly befall the good, the bad, and the ugly. (This does not mean that personal responsibility is no longer relevant. It kicks in in how we respond to either disaster or good fortune.) Such an understanding of the human condition relieves me of the obligation that many religious people feel of “earning” a better place in life and the hereafter. It relieves me of the hope of being rewarded for my good deeds in the hereafter and the terror of being punished for my bad ones.
The obligation conferred on individuals in a random universe is to strive for goodness for the sake of goodness alone. The fact that my brain is failing does not absolve me of the obligation to be good. It merely provides an interesting challenge to try to be good for as long as possible. Living within this resolve comforts me very much. —Hank Stephenson, bookseller, Flyleaf Books
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