Today Peter and I celebrate 50 years of marriage
and the three baroque years before, when we were “going steady”…
Note: This post is a day late, because I forgot how to properly post a video on my website, something I had done many times before, and somehow tangled up the system to the point of freezing everything in place. Peter worked late into the night to repair the damage and, when I woke up this morning, everything on my website was singing along again. This incident, which has frequent daily equivalents, stands as an example of our marriage in these latter days of my increasing dementia confusion: Peter you are still my rock—my co-parent/honorary parent to Marissa, Adam, Newton, and Cheryl; my co-Oumpa to Kanye, Aliya, and Dante, my lover, my fixer, my 24/7 caregiver, without whom there would be no household, no videos, no website, no laughter, no recognizable me.
Back to our 50th anniversary, which actually happened yesterday, March 26. We were married in 1971. We met three years earlier, when I was seventeen and he nineteen.
On the morning of your anniversary, we had our coffee to the song below, which we listened to a lot while getting to know each other 53 years ago:
After breakfast, we went downtown to have coffee in City Creek.
For lunch, I made us a meat pie:
In the afternoon, Peter surprised me with this little video. We laughed and hugged for the nth time today.
In the evening, Peter made us a meal of home-made guacamole, toast, and red wine.
After eating, I went back to my computer to work on this website. And got stuck. Frustrated. Anxious. Went to bed while Peter undid my mistake.
What to say about our marriage? It was the greatest good luck to have met each other so young and yet grow together in enough similar directions to still be together today. It was the hardest work we had ever done to work through the difficult times we encountered. Fortunately, at each point that might have been a fork in the road, one of us remembered our commitment and made the apologies and rectifications required. The other one forgave and participated in the patching up. While Peter and I can take some credit for these “saves,” some of them were just plain luck, as long as you go along with my twisted definition of “luck” in this example: for three years, during an economic recession in the nineteen-nineties, Peter worked next door in the state of Nevada. There was no equivalent job to be found in Utah. He was away from home from Sunday night to Friday afternoon. Only two days at home with me and our two teenagers. A year or two into this arrangement, the strain on our relationship reached a breaking point. We spent hours and days and weeks in an attempt to go forward together. At our darkest moment, “luck” struck us like a lightning bolt: there was blood in Peter’s urine. He had bladder cancer. And soon after, prostate cancer.
In an instant, our perspective on our lives was restored. We dropped back into our former life-long team-work mode. He received the necessary surgeries, was eventually cancer free. When he was well into his recovery, we gradually tackled the relationship issues we had been struggling with and eventually came to a place of astonishing reconnection. Cancer had saved us!
That wedding commitment—you have to take it seriously. Sometimes it takes cancer. But usually the reminder of your “yes” on your wedding day can be more frivolous. We look back at an earlier difficult time just after our immigration in 1984. Peter was juggling career difficulties and I was feeling invisible for not yet having any friends and not being able to work for lack of a valid permit. In the emotional clashes that happened, I once told him that I would divorce him if he were not the only adult in the US who could properly pronounce my name. He told me he would divorce me if I were not the only one in the US who could make his mother’s meat pie.
We became US citizens in 1996
A huge link in our mutual commitment was our children. While I believe that a marriage should not be continued only for the sake of the children, I also believe that the good of the children should be foremost in the mind of marriage partners when thinking about a parting of ways. We were fortunate that our differences did not arise over often “unfixable” issues such as substance addiction, abuse, the refusal of one of the partners to make the adaptations to continue, or untreated mental illness. We were fortunate in having retained the awe of being parents up to and into our kids’ teenage years and, even in the midst of our difficulties, had managed to remain a good parenting team.
Peter with baby Marissa (1977), Gerda with baby Newton (1979), our extended family in 2019
Our children were not oblivious of our stresses, of course—we all lived in the same house. Nevertheless, we had an absolute commitment not to fight in their presence or hearing—though that probably slipped more than once. Since the start of our marriage, we’ve had an absolute commitment to “good manners,” which meant keeping our fights to ourselves as well as being well-mannered toward each other, even while fighting—although that, too, sometimes regrettably slipped.
A good motto for us has been “It takes love AND good manners for a happy marriage.” Which means that, every day, we try to treat each other in private as well as we would if the other one were a best friend.
However it happened, we are so happy to be together 50/53 years later.
Over our quacamole toast last night, we clinked our wine glasses to THE NEXT FIVE YEARS!
Wouldn’t that just be the cherry on top: another five years.
March 26, 2021, married for 50 years
March 28, 2021 @ 2:59 pm
From the old school song ‘Forty years on” our adventure is even a decade longer and here are some of the words:
Forty years on, growing older and older,
Shorter in wind, as in memory long,
Feeble of foot, and rheumatic of shoulder,
What will it help you that once you were strong?
God give us bases to guard or beleaguer,
Games to play out, whether earnest or fun;
Fights for the fearless, and goals for the eager,
Twenty, and thirty, and forty AND FIFTY years on!
March 29, 2021 @ 8:00 am
What amazing lyrics from your school song, my Love. It is always so fascinating to think of you in Boys High and me in Meisies Hoër living our parallel lives so close to each other. We attended the same school plays and other events, and I did not know you existed! Just as well, because I was so socially clumsy in high school and shy of and scared of boys… I would have put you off for ever! Love you infinitely.
March 28, 2021 @ 5:28 pm
So lovely. Congratulations! xoxoxo
March 29, 2021 @ 7:56 am
So lovely to hear from you, Shauna. Think of you and Lauren so often. You, too, have been clocking up the years with your lovely husband and family. Love you very much.
March 28, 2021 @ 6:23 pm
teary making and touching
March 29, 2021 @ 7:55 am
Thanks so much for your lovely words, Jude. Love you.
March 28, 2021 @ 8:57 pm
Wonderful reflections; thanks for sharing your love story with all the insights that come from looking back: “Cancer saved us,” etc.
March 29, 2021 @ 8:18 am
Thanks for your lovely message, Virlene. Yes, sometimes it’s the oddest things that reminds us of our marriage commitments! Love you.
March 29, 2021 @ 8:09 am
From Kimberley Carson:
Dearest Gerda and Your Beloved Peter, Congratulations to both of you on this milestone of a “love” achievement. You give wise advice about what it truly means to commit after exchanging wedding vows and how to love even when life gets hard. I wish you at least five more years! Love, Kimberley
March 29, 2021 @ 8:20 am
Dearest Kimberley, Thanks so much for your lovely words. I think about you so often and will be back in touch when I have more time. “More time”–that’s what I shockingly don’t have, even in retirement! Wishing you just the very best in your difficult times and hope you are finding sources of relief. Lots and lots of love.
April 2, 2021 @ 12:31 pm
What a wonderful love story! Congratulations dearest Peter and Gerda!,You did it! You honoured those marriage vows in sickness and health, for richer or poorer……and you reaped the wonderful reward to grow old together – loving each other more than ever before! With much love and many blessings Ria
April 20, 2021 @ 12:40 pm
My liefste Ria, thanks for taking time in the midst of your move-adventure to send these beautiful words about our marriage. You and Cliff are our example of carrying on through sickness and health, for richer or poorer. I know that you speak from your rich and love-filled experience when you say that one grows to love each other more than ever before. How fortunate we/ you are to have lived and be living that accumulation of love. Thinking of you in your new home. Time to talk on the phone again and do a video tour of your new place! Love you very much.
March 29, 2021 @ 8:55 am
From Sally Shaum:
Peter and Gerda,
What a gorgeous day to celebrate!
Witnessing your tender love for each other is beautiful. I’m smiling.
Sally
March 29, 2021 @ 9:00 am
Dear Sally,
Thanks so much for your lovely note! It was wonderful to hang out with you and the RadioWest crew last week–so good to get to know you as the Mensch you are. Thanks for your lovely wishes and generosity in helping portray my and Peter’s ongoing attempts to live well together!
March 29, 2021 @ 9:09 am
Baie geluk Gerda en Peter, vanuit Suid-Afrika. Ek stem heelhartig saam met jou sieninge van “commitment”, liefde, goeie maniere en vriendskap vir ‘n goeie huweliksverhouding.
Mag die volgende vyf jaar vir julle beskore wees.
Liefde en seënwense!
March 29, 2021 @ 10:07 am
Baie dankie vir jou mooi woorde en goeie wense, Sonette. Baie liefde en my allerbeste wense ook vir jou en jou geliefdes.
March 29, 2021 @ 10:59 am
Ai, dis so mooi! Dankie!
March 29, 2021 @ 11:15 am
Ag Nico, dis maar net “deur die genade van die Here” dat mens op die ou end saam kan oudword. Lyk my jy en Cecile versamel ook baie dekades saam. Julle doen die wonderlikste stapte en fietsritte–so lekker om vicariously met julle saam te gaan! Baie liefde.
March 29, 2021 @ 11:38 am
You are both such lovely people. Happy Anniversary and here’s to five more! 💜
March 30, 2021 @ 9:07 am
Liefste Gerda en Peter, baie geluk met die mylpaal. Julle sal vir ewig vir my dierbaar bly.
March 30, 2021 @ 9:30 am
Liewe Enigste, hoe wonderlik om van jou te hoor. Op jou “ewige” opmerking kan ek net sê “ditto.” Baie liefde aan julle twee en liewe Nicola.
March 31, 2021 @ 9:32 pm
Felicitations dear friends! Gerda I must tell you I forwarded this post to my kids and told them to read the wisdom of the longest-best-married-person I’ve known. xoxoxoxox
April 1, 2021 @ 8:20 am
My dearest Shen, you’re so sweet all the way from Maryland! Thanks for seeing me through some of the crises I describe in my post! YOU are my example of unconditional love–love you so much!
April 3, 2021 @ 3:21 pm
Dear Gerda and Peter. Many congratulations on achieving this magnificent milestone. Cathie and I are 10 months behind you. It is wonderful to note that so many of our friends, both in SA and in the UK, are now in their 70s and are still married to their original spouse. I do regret that we lost contact for so many years, and that our children have never met! Sterkte! Best wishes. Philip.
April 20, 2021 @ 12:37 pm
Dear Philip, how lovely to hear from you. You and Cathie and Peter and I are indeed of the same vintage marriage-wise. How lucky we are to have our partners for growing old together. If the universe ever cooperates, it would be so lovely to see you and Cathie–and beyond imagining that our families might meet. I so appreciate you being in touch. Lots of love to all of the Read clan.
April 5, 2021 @ 2:21 pm
Thank you for sharing this moment and for reminding us that love is beautiful work. “Good manners.” This is amazing advice that is all too easy to forget.
April 20, 2021 @ 12:34 pm
Thanks so much for being in touch, Elaine. I really miss you so much, but I do appreciate your radio presence and the amazing work you do. Now that Covid is getting under control we could maybe catch up over coffee some time! I so much want to hear about what you have been up to and about your other-than-work writing. xoxox
April 6, 2021 @ 12:29 pm
Congratulations Gerda and Peter. To think that I was at your wedding 50 years ago.
May you both be richly blessed .
You have certain stood the test of time and devotion to one another.
Much love,
Joan.
April 20, 2021 @ 12:33 pm
Dearest Joan, Thanks so much for your blessings and the reminder of our wedding celebration 50 years ago. Yes, you were there and I cherish that. I of course think of you and Derek who were such an example of devotion through times much harder than Peter and I have had to face, particularly his last illness. My heart goes out to you as your cherish your years with him and participate in the lives of the gorgeous family that you and he had made. Love you so very much.